Pets are more than companions; they are family members, confidants, and sources of solace. When a beloved animal passes away or is nearing the end of life, the grief that caretakers feel is profound and complex. Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler‑Ross proposed a “five‑stage model” to describe grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It has been widely applied to human bereavement. Yet many people who have lost a pet find that these theoretical stages do not fully capture their actual emotions. This article compares theory and reality, exploring the inner journey pet parents may go through after losing a companion animal. It also offers a kindness checklist to help you make loving and dignified decisions during your pet’s final days.

The theoretical grief stages: understanding the five‑step model

In a blog post about “Five Stages of Grief After Losing a Pet,” the CareCredit blog notes that many people process pet loss through these five stages. The author stresses that the model is a general pattern rather than a strict sequence; some people do not experience every stage, and many cycle between stages.

Denial: shock and unreal feelings

The denial stage often manifests as shock and disbelief. People try to convince themselves that what happened cannot be real. Intellectually they may understand that their pet has died, but emotionally they need time to catch up. They may subconsciously expect to see or hear their pet for days or weeks. Denial is a way the mind and emotions protect themselves while trying to process the loss.

Anger: a reaction to helplessness

Once reality begins to sink in, many pet parents feel anger. This anger may be directed at the circumstances, at themselves, at the veterinarian or even at fate, a higher power or the pet itself. The CareCredit blog points out that these feelings are often accompanied by guilt or anxiety.

Bargaining and searching/yearning

Kübler‑Ross describes bargaining as an attempt to change reality by offering something in return. In pet loss this stage is often replaced by another emotion—strong searching or yearning, a phase described in an article from Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine. In this phase, caretakers intensely miss their pet. Their mind continually conjures the animal’s image. They may break down in tears unexpectedly or be overwhelmed by grief at odd moments. Cornell notes that yearning is often accompanied by sadness, anger and guilt and may lead to physical symptoms such as weight change or fatigue.

Depression: deep sorrow

When the reality of the loss truly settles in, many caretakers enter a depressive stage. The CareCredit article notes that this period may include overwhelming sadness, fatigue, nausea, pain, poor appetite and weight fluctuations. Owners might lose interest in daily activities and withdraw socially, which in turn brings loneliness. It is often the hardest phase because it touches the deepest part of the grief.

Acceptance: moving forward with love

Acceptance begins when a caretaker can acknowledge their pet’s passing and understand that nothing can change it. Acceptance does not mean the pain disappears; it allows you to gradually reorganize life and find a balance between sorrow and joy. People in this stage may reflect on their pet’s life and consider welcoming a new companion to bring love and joy. However, as the BluePearl article warns, grief is not linear. Reaching acceptance does not mean the journey is over; memories may still trigger waves of sadness.

Real‑world feelings: experience vs. theory

Although the theoretical model offers a framework, real emotions are far more complex. BluePearl Pet Hospital notes that grief is a series of complex reactions—sadness, shock, numbness and more—and that every individual’s process is unique. These stages can overlap and recur in a single day; there is no “right” way or timetable for mourning.

Denial and numbness: an unbelievable shock

In real life, denial often mingles with numbness and unreal feelings. Cornell University’s research notes that in the early phase, caretakers may appear dazed, disoriented or extremely talkative. Faced with sudden loss, they might understand intellectually that the pet is gone, but their feelings lag behind. Even after accepting the truth, they may expect the animal to appear at habitual times or places—like thinking a cat has returned upon hearing keyboard sounds at night. This is the brain’s way of shielding itself from overwhelming pain.

Intense yearning, guilt and anxiety

Searching/yearning is very common. Owners constantly think about their pet’s mannerisms and even perceive sounds or sensations that suggest the pet is still around. Hearing footsteps may prompt the belief that a dog is running upstairs; in dreams the caretaker might feel the animal nestled against them. Cornell notes that this phase is accompanied by strong sadness, anger and guilt and can involve fatigue or appetite changes. BluePearl adds that after intense sorrow, many owners start asking themselves, “Did I make the right decision?” or “Did I choose euthanasia too early or too late?” This internal dialogue is a form of bargaining.

Intertwining anger and guilt

Anger in real life rarely stands alone; it mixes with guilt. You might blame yourself for missing signs of illness or disagree with a veterinarian’s guidance. BluePearl explains that anger is a natural response to loss and can be directed at oneself, others or the world. The healthy approach is to acknowledge and express it—through journaling, talking to trusted friends or sharing in support groups.

Depression and loneliness: into the depths of grief

Depression here is not necessarily clinical depression but still brings profound helplessness and fatigue. BluePearl notes that caretakers in this phase feel heartbroken and tired and lose enthusiasm for life. This “blue mood” can last for weeks or months. The CareCredit article adds that depression can include physical symptoms such as fatigue, nausea, pain and appetite changes. Overcoming it requires giving yourself time and seeking professional help; if symptoms persist for more than two weeks, it is especially important to consult a mental health professional.

Acceptance and rebuilding: moving forward with memories

When people gradually learn to coexist with their loss, they enter acceptance and rebuilding. Cornell notes that this is not forgetting the pet; it is finding new balance between grief and joy, converting love into memories and possibly forming new bonds with other animals. BluePearl reminds us that grief is non‑linear; even after acceptance you may revisit previous emotions.

Anticipatory grief: anxiety before goodbye

Beyond post‑loss grief there is “anticipatory grief,” which occurs when a pet is diagnosed with a terminal illness or its health is declining. CareCredit notes that when you receive a diagnosis or realize your pet’s life is ending, you may feel fear, frustration and guilt. The Ohio State University’s “How Will I Know?” booklet emphasizes that anticipatory grief can trigger similar physical and emotional reactions as actual loss—sadness, denial and difficulty processing information—and may awaken emotions from past losses. Understanding anticipatory grief helps you plan ahead and better accompany your pet through its final days.

End‑of‑life planning: guarding the final journey with love

When a pet reaches old age or is diagnosed with a terminal condition, owners must face not only grief but also difficult care and medical decisions. A thoughtful end‑of‑life plan can reduce suffering and make the farewell more dignified.

Using the HHHHHMM quality‑of‑life scale

A widely promoted tool in veterinary medicine is the “HHHHHMM” quality‑of‑life scale, an important part of end‑of‑life planning. As Golden Gate Veterinary Home Hospice explains, it was developed by Dr. Alice Villalobos. The letters stand for Hurt, Hunger, Hydration, Hygiene, Happiness, Mobility and More Good Days Than Bad. Owners score each category from 1 to 10; a total above 35 generally suggests acceptable quality of life. Below is a summary of each indicator:

• Hurt: The most important factor; it assesses whether pain control is adequate, including breathing difficulties.
• Hunger: Evaluates whether the animal is eating normally or needs hand feeding or a feeding tube.
• Hydration: Observes whether the pet can drink on its own or needs subcutaneous or intravenous fluids.
• Hygiene: Looks at whether the pet can keep itself clean or needs help with bathing, grooming or bedding changes to prevent pressure sores.
• Happiness: Assesses whether the pet shows interest and joy, interacts with family or exhibits anxiety or depression.
• Mobility: Determines whether the pet can stand or walk by itself, needs a mobility aid or experiences seizures or falls.
• More Good Days Than Bad: Judges whether good days outnumber bad ones. When bad days exceed good days, quality of life has declined and other options should be considered.

Golden Gate emphasizes that this scale is an aid, not an absolute rule. Its purpose is to help caretakers make more objective evaluations when emotions are overwhelming.

Caring for elderly pets and providing comforting hospice

Once you know your pet is nearing the end of life, providing comfort becomes paramount. The ASPCA reminds us that older animals may hide their pain and not show obvious signs like whimpering or crying; symptoms include excessive panting, hiding, reluctance to move and pickiness about food. These suggestions can keep aging or ill pets more comfortable:

1. Active pain management: Work with your veterinarian to treat underlying conditions and use pain medications or other interventions to reduce pain and ensure quality of life.
2. Create a comfortable environment: Give your pet its favorite blanket or toy and provide cushioned bedding to prevent pressure sores. If the animal has mobility problems, use a towel or sling to help it stand or relieve itself.
3. Attend to hygiene and elimination: Older pets may develop incontinence; check them regularly and help with cleaning.
4. Initiate hospice care when appropriate: The ASPCA notes that hospice, also called palliative care, uses medications, diet and companionship to make a pet’s final days more pleasant when a cure is not possible. Hospice is not a place but a philosophy and care method. Owners must work closely with veterinarians and learn how to perform professional care at home.

Decisions about euthanasia and death

When pain or disability cannot be alleviated, euthanasia becomes an important way to prevent suffering. The ASPCA explains that veterinarians first administer a sedative and then a special medication so the pet drifts away peacefully, similar to general anesthesia. Deciding when to proceed is one of the hardest choices. The ASPCA advises making decisions based on medical indicators, daily observations and the ratio of good to bad days; if moments of discomfort outweigh a capacity to enjoy life, it may be time to let the animal go with dignity. The Ohio State University notes that only a very small percentage of pets experience a “good” natural death without human intervention; natural dying often comes with anxiety, difficulty breathing, severe nausea or seizures. Thus, euthanasia is a humane way to allow pets to pass painlessly.

Kindness checklist: giving your pet a final gift

To ensure your pet’s last journey is dignified and full of love, you can plan step by step using the following kindness checklist:

1. Use the HHHHHMM scale regularly to assess your pet’s condition, track score changes and objectively determine whether to adjust treatment or care.
2. Communicate with your veterinarian to develop pain management, nutrition and medication plans that keep your pet’s discomfort under control.
3. Develop a hospice plan by learning how to administer injections, feed, clean and provide care at home and assess whether you and your family have the time and energy to take on these tasks.
4. Discuss euthanasia in advance by asking your vet about procedures, timing and aftercare and dispelling misconceptions such as “euthanasia is killing.” Remember that the illness is causing your pet’s suffering.
5. Handle after‑death matters by learning about burial, cremation or memorial options. Decide whether to keep ashes or create keepsakes so you can take action according to plan when grief comes.
6. Take care of your own emotions by understanding that anticipatory grief is normal and often comes with guilt and fear. Seek support groups or counseling if needed.

Coping with grief: helping pet parents heal

Losing a pet can make people feel powerless, but there are many positive ways to recover over time. BluePearl Pet Hospital offers valuable suggestions:

• Write a journal or letter to express your feelings. Write to your departed pet and record your cherished memories together.
• Seek professional help by talking with a veterinary social worker or mental health professional to receive one‑on‑one support and learn how to handle complex emotions. CareCredit also notes that therapists can help owners recognize and process grief, especially when it leads to depression.
• Memorialize your pet by creating scrapbooks, handmade keepsakes, planting a tree or making a memorial stone. These rituals let you carry love forward.
• Share grief with family by telling stories with your children and partners and reading age‑appropriate books about pet loss to heal together.
• Join support groups—online or in person—to share stories, access resources and listen to others’ experiences, gaining strength and companionship. CareCredit also suggests surrounding yourself with people who understand your pain to validate your grief.
• Give yourself time and self‑compassion. Grief has no set timeline, and you should not rush to “get back to normal.” Practice positive self‑talk and allow yourself to experience all the emotions you feel.

Some owners consider getting another pet after a loss. CareCredit points out that when you are ready to welcome new life, a new animal can bring healing, but it does not mean you have forgotten your previous pet. You might choose to foster or adopt an animal in need first, continuing your kindness.

Conclusion: balancing reason and emotion

Losing a pet is one of life’s most painful experiences. The theoretical stages provide a framework for understanding grief, but each person’s feelings are unique, and emotions do not always fit neatly into stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance may overlap or repeat, accompanied by deep yearning, guilt and anticipatory grief. No one can tell you how or for how long you should grieve; your experience is real and valid.

At the same time, compassionate, science‑based end‑of‑life planning can reduce suffering and make your pet’s final days full of love and dignity. By using the HHHHHMM scale, you can objectively judge your pet’s quality of life and work with veterinarians to create pain management and care plans. Hospice care and euthanasia are decisions rooted in love and mercy, intended to free your pet from disease. Throughout the process, taking care of your own emotions is just as important. Through writing, memorializing, seeking support and giving yourself time, you can gradually emerge from grief, honor your pet’s memory and cherish the love they brought into your life.

On this journey of grief, please know you are not alone. Many resources, professionals and support groups are ready to accompany you. Whatever your experience of loss looks like, your love for your pet is real, and their memory will forever shine in your heart.